It can sometimes feel like family just happens to you. A never-ending cascade of compulsions, attachments, responsibilities, intimacies. I mean, for one reason or another, many of us may not use the bathroom without the physical or sonic presence of a loved one for a couple more decades. Family life is a trippy piece of artwork. A casual view finds us all pretty much the same, going through our various cycles of connecting and disconnecting, embracing and pulling away. Individuating is a joy, and so is the next embrace.
But, what does it all amount to? I’m not sure, but I’d like to share an exercise that we’ve done a few different ways over the years that helps us reaffirm what and why we are. This iteration is adapted from the organizational development book Good to Great by Jim Collins.
1) How do your actions talk? Each person generates a list of words, phrases, concepts, etc. they believe represents how the family operates. These should be evident in the way your family already moves in the world and treats each other, not how you aspire to be.
Core Values List
When we wrote them up on poster paper, we had to use different colors because I would’ve been overwhelmed otherwise. Anyhow, in places where there was overlap between our two lists, we consolidated the words or concepts.
2) Narrow it down! After all of that wordsmithing, now you’ve gotta pare it down.
Vetting the Values
Using a sticky note, identify 3-5 that are shared among your lists. Then answer the following questions with a ‘Y’ for “Yes” or “N” for “No”:
- If you were to move and start a new life for your self and family would you build it around this principle regardless of of your circumstances? (rich poor, homeless, wealthy,etc.)
- Would you want to yourself and your family to be known and remembered for this for the next 100 years, no matter what happens in the outside world or society?
- Would you hold this core value, even if at some point in time it became a social disadvantage-even if in some instances people ridiculed you for living this core value?
- Do you believe that those who do not share this core value – those who disregard or violate it consistently simply do not belong in your inner circle? Or, break the sanctity of familyhood?
- Would you personally continue to hold this core value even if you were not rewarded for holding it?
- Would you sacrifice your comforts, lifestyle or livelihood before abandoning this core value?
- If you awoke tomorrow with more than enough money to retire comfortably for the rest of your life, would you continue to apply this core value to your productive activities?
Kind of intense, right? It’s not so bad when you just answer truthfully without assigning value to the answer. Remember, the point is greater transparency, not shame or posturing.
3) Make something beautiful…and simple. Now that you’ve narrowed it down to the principles that are unanimously “YES,” check again to make sure there’s nothing on the list that’s an aspiration. These should represent the family based on who you already are. We then used the values to come up with a succinct statement that encompassed them all. We started with two different statements each and kinda riffed off each others until we arrived someplace that made sense (in purple):
Purpose Statements
Prince SJ weighed in
To finalize it, we asked ourselves the following questions:
- Do you find this statement personally inspiring?
- Can you envision this purpose being as valid 100 years from now as it is today?
- Does the purpose help you think expansively about the long-term possibilities and range of activities the family can consider over the next 100 years, beyond its current activities, commitments, and investments?
- Does the purpose help you to decide what activities to not pursue, to eliminate from consideration?
- Is this purpose authentic—something true to what the family is all about—not merely words on paper that “sound nice”?
- Would this purpose be greeted with enthusiasm rather than cynicism by a broad base of people in the family? (There are only two of us to weigh in, so this was a no-brainer).
- When telling other family members of friends what your family is about, would you feel proud in describing your work in terms of this purpose?
So, was it worth it? This activity gets a round of applause from me. I was hesitant at first because it seemed like a lot of work. But, it turned out to be really inspiring and a great bonding experience for us. Also, now that my feet are headed steadily toward midwifery, having articulated the family purpose is a great motivator. It’s even been a common reference point for mediating the tensions that arise from handling the dynamic needs of running a household and raising a child. It’s also been helpful for thinking about the intersections between our various obligations and interests.
Considering Adinkra Symbols
We still have a little ways to go. We also chose Adinkra symbols that most closely reflected our purpose statement. The short story of why we chose Adinkra symbols is that my husband and I met on a trip to Ghana, so they hold a special significance for our relationship. Above are some of the symbols we considered. I’d also like to find a beautiful way to integrate the symbol we adopted and the final purpose statement into a piece of artwork for our home.
