A couple of weeks ago, I initiated a twitter conversation asking what kinds of resources other married and partnered folks use to support their relationships. I notice that almost all of the blogs I read where families write about how they support the spiritual, ethical, and organizational foundation of their families are intimately woven with Christianity. I was surprised at the responses. Only two people had a book recommendation! So, I thought I’d pull together a list of books that have been inspiring and useful for us.
The Spirit of Intimacy by Sobonfu Somé
I saw a good friend reading this book when I was 18. Back then, I thought it was just extra and silly to read books about relationships. A few years later, I finally read it and the way I view my intimate relationships with everyone, husband, family members… has changed. In The Spirit of Intimacy, Sobonfu Somé shares wisdom from her people, the Dagara of Burkina Faso, West Africa on the connections between people and how to honor them through joy, conflict, and even separation. It’s a quintessential text on relationships that EVERYONE should have and reference.
Self-Healing Power, and Therapy by K. Kia Bunseki Fu-Kiau
Self-Healing Power and Therapy
OK, you’re probably wondering what any part of this title has to do with marriage and relationships. Well, in the Bantu-Kongo worldview, each individual’s capacity to be a healthy and loving person is both physical and energetic (for lack of a better word). We had the opportunity to convene a workshop with Baba Fu-Kiau a few years ago where he used his writings here to explain how critical harmonious relationships between people and within communities is critical to our physical and emotional well-being. Baba Fu-Kiau was THE foremost authority Bantu-Kongo philosophy and modern thought before falling upon serious illness. Read more about him.
- The Healing Wisdom of Africa by Malidoma Some
The Healing Wisdom of Africa: Finding Life Purpose Through Nature, Ritual, and Community
This book is a solid reference for so many things. Because it’s all about living more authentically and connecting with others and the world around us more deeply, you can find endless reasons for finding yourself looking through this book. For the purposes of this list, you’ll get guidelines for practical rituals that can be used to heal rifts, balance oneself, or feel more connected to our deceased loved ones. This book is also the first book I would recommend to anyone interested in exploring indigenous African perspectives on nature, community, and spirituality.
So, my list isn’t exactly the stuff of romance or really focused on marriage or partnerships at all. But, I think that one thing that’s often missing from lists like these and talks about having meaningful intimate relationships is paying attention to one’s own journey to life fulfillment. Happy people have to love better, right?
What books on intimate relationships or marriage do you recommend?
ooooh will be checking some of these books out, in preparation for…
Would love to hear your feedback on any of them when you check them out.
Are there any resources you already use to fortify your relationship?
Just now opening myself up to the idea of dating again, but I have been working on relationships w/ family and friends. I’ve never read relationship books (which is why I’m excited about these); I’ve just had people placed in my life who have enlightened me about relationships.
Well, I wasn’t one for reading up on relationships with other people until a few years ago. I don’t know what made me decide to put energy and thought into becoming a better lover, family member, and friend, but I’m glad I did. I’m sure that I fall short all the time, but at the very least, I feel stronger in my attempts. All the best on your journey, Nina!
This is great! I just lent Sobonfu’s book to a friend. I think it’s helpful for all types of relationships and agree that it’s a must-have for the ref section. It’s time for me to re-read Self-Healing Power so many thanks for the reminder! The relationship book that changed my view on reading about relationships is True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh.
I almost included True Love. It wasn’t as revelatory, for me, on thinking about partnerships purposefully as these three are. But, I have another related list I’m gonna post on books that I find helpful for navigating the interpersonal aspect of love – showing it, saying it, etc. It’ll definitely be on that list.
what is amazing is that you have a book by the husband and wife team (the Somes) – “The Spirit of Intimacy” by Mrs. Some and “The Healing Wisdom” by Mr. Some. I had a chance to read Mrs. Some’s bookregarding children and childbirth (“The Welcoming Spirit”) which was a profound book to read on that topic. I cannot wait to read these two as well!
I’ve never read The Welcoming Years, so thanks for mentioning it. I’m gonna add it to my birth book list. The Some’s have great, accessible wisdom to share, though I’m pretty sure they haven’t been a couple in many years.
I haven’t had the opportunity to attend any events or rituals with Sobonfu, but Jacqui (above commenter) has and says it impacted her life profoundly. I feel the same way about my experiences at Malidoma’s retreats.
Thank you so much for this. My husband and I are in the market for some books to facilitate reflection and conversation about our marriage on our weekly date nights. I will definitely share these with him.
Kelly Virella recently posted..Festival of the New Black Imagination, October 15
Weekly date nights used to sound so corny to me. In this parenthood life, I now realize how much the luxury it can be.
I hope you find them useful and enjoyable. Thanks for reading and responding!